A few thoughts and reflection are due, since my first year at university has just ended. I will be doing much of my musing at the farm, which I will be leaving for in the morning, but just for closure, I'm scrawling a few endnotes here to put my perspectives ... into perspective.

I am quite disheartened at the general Malaysian community here. I have chosen to stay away from the association for a little while, to think over a bit the estrangement -- a sort of disconnect, an inability to identify with them, and a general lethargy -- I feel I have with the Malaysian community. I have always idealized, perhaps in a too romanticized notion, about the group of politicized intellectuals studying abroad, who keep track of the goings-on of our home country and see what sort of clout we can form to pressure the government to adhere to democratic principles. You know, the sort of thing Ho Chi Minh did when he was in France. He submitted a document asking for Viet Nam's independence at the discussions post-World War II in Europe and subsequently started an anti-colonial movement. Maybe I had set my expectations too high for our pro-establishment Malaysians.

This has many times made me think about whether I want to return home to Malaysia in the long-term. Several people have asked me this, and I usually answer in the affirmative. I also realize that many international students here plan to apply for a PR or citizenship in the long-term, and a few graduating seniors I've talked to, already obtained their PR/citizenships. Do I take this same path? The perks are certainly there: you can buy a house, you can apply for more fellowships, enter graduate school more easily, find employment more easily, etc. What more, with the skills and academic papers I will have received by that time, there should not be many problems surrounding the application.

Before coming to the US, I usually answer unequivocally that I will return. Now, I'm not so sure. A few events in the past year have made me reconsider going home. I am liking it here. And I am receiving a lot more support in terms of the activist work I do, the rallies I participate in, and the fulfilling relationships I form through my work. But perhaps, this is where it becomes ever more important to re-analyze my slightly changed perspective. Just because things will be more difficult with Malaysians and in Malaysia, should I give up on it?

A quick response would elicit a 'No!', but a response that takes a bit more time to think through would have me saying 'Yes!' As much as I feel invested in Malaysia as a citizen of my country, I am also one to consider the social and historical context of the country. People have told me that fighting for queer rights in Malaysia is futile, because we are only so young as a nation. "It took more than 300 years for the gays to get marriage in America; we're not even 100 yet!" People have also told me that queer rights is not Malaysian. I agree. I agree that it is perhaps more futile than it is worthwhile and I agree that queer rights is un-Malaysian. It is futile because I expect a lot of backlash and obstacles-many of which are severely difficult to overcome. Un-Malaysian because many Malaysians just do not care enough about equality and respect for people with different gender identities and sexual orientations.

The odds are definitely against me and all of us who aspire to head in that direction. Should I give up? Rationally, yes. Would I give up? Probably, not. I would have to say that I actually do have hope. And hope is what is going to keep me going.

I have been inspired by so many people and so many Malaysians this year alone. Most of them back home, struggling with an education system that is in need of dire improvement. And yet, they make the most out of it and they try in every way to improve on the circumstances they are in. A close friend from Kajang went all out to organize a gathering of youth for a human rights campaing, Demand Dignity, calling for governments of countries to respect human rights and to raise awareness about the interlinkedness between poverty and human rights. Another close friend wrote me an email sharing his thoughts on life and his future -- both he is uncertain about -- and it touched me to know that these are the true Malaysian activists. All I can do is sit and watch, through gmail and facebook; the greatest extent of my participation is through writing blogs and facebook notes.

It would be a shame if I were not able to work with them on greater projects in the future, only because I chose not to return home. The harsh fact remains: not many of us can choose to return home. And having understood that, I can sometimes begin to understand why returning home may be the most important decision of my life.